Hysteria is impossible without an audience.

2011-02-22T09:52:00.003-08:00

Thinking of you is the equivalent of being on a spinning ride of a carousel. I sit down on it’s uncomfortable interior and place my hands on the wheel, stressing my muscles and redying them for the ride ahead. I put my right hand criss-crossing with my left and pull, straining my brown and closing my eyes tight. The world around me is only slightly off-centered and it makes me light headed. I pull against the wheel faster and faster until I feel my body shift, and then I take a deep breathe and tell myself to open my eyes. My stomach is tightening around the feeling of hopelessness as I attempt to grasp my surroundings.

Spin.

I can see you walking towards me with that smile on your face, saying my name as if your vocals came from that of a fucking angel.

Spin.

I can smell your house. I can see its’ mess. I feel myself walking up the stairs to your bedroom and flopping on your bed as you pick up your guitar.

Spin.

I’m hanging out of your window ashing a cigarette as you play a mediocre song. You sing to me.

Spin.

I can see the countless times we met up just to go to school together. Oh! How inseparable we once were!

Stop! I put my arms to a halt, the right isn’t over yet. I am frustrated. My face has suddenly been beaten by my tears and the harsh wind that pressed against my swollen skin. Left arm criss-crossing my right, I push into the opposite direction.

Faster. Faster. Faster. Push! Don’t stop!

You’re on your way to my house. A woman is on her way home from a bar.

Spin.

She’s driving so fast. You never even had a fucking chance.

Spin.

You cross the street to sanctuary, completely oblivious to your surroundings with your music blaring from your head phones. Please! Someone help! She’s going to get hit!

Spin.

Your body makes impact with the vehicle and scalps your beautiful head of hair. You fly over the car and hit the ground. Oh, God it happened in seconds and that precious life of yours, taken!

Spin.

I’m at your viewing at I’m looking at a stranger. You aren’t my beautiful best friend. You aren’t her. Where are you? Why did this happen? My ankles go weak, my legs become rubber. I cannot stand. I will not stand. I’m finding reasoning difficult and I’m finding motion pointless.

Spin! Spin! Spin!

Your mother collapses on your coffin begging for you to come out when all I can do is stand there in the back ground and be completely and utterly helpless to a woman who I once saw as a mother of my own. Two completely different relationships and yet our grief feels just as bottomless and never-ending.

My arms are weak, now. My back is slumped against its’ bars. My face is bright red and heated from my desperation. My hair is plastered to my face by my tears. This ride is over, and yet nothing has changed. My hands let go of the wheel and my arms fall to my sides. This ride is over.

2011-02-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

"No nice boy will ever want me. I was all those horrible words used for rape; I was changed, bloodied, damaged goods, ruined."

"Rape, Dad. Rape. The reason why people are staring at me. The reason why you don't know what to do; Why those old ladies are coming over and Mom is flipped out. Why he stared at me like I'm some sort of a freak. Rape!"

This book (Lucky, Alice Sebold). I swear.

2011-02-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Fuck everything and fuck everyone. How dare I put certain aspects of my life before my own self? At the end of the day who is going to be there for me but myself? What if I lose those who claim to love me -> if I don't love my own self than what else will I have? I realized tonight that I'm a hypocrite because I tell people to be strong and to not give a fuck when I can't even do that shit for myself.

You should be making me feel comfortable in front of your friends when I meet them for the first time. You should not make me feel like a fucking idiot, asshole, and make me the target of every joke just to get yourself a few fucking laughs.

I could legit punch a hole in someone's face right now.

2011-01-26T14:49:00.000-08:00

I hate how terribly difficult it is for me to trust anyone anymore. People have done things to me that I never thought in a million years they'd be capable of doing to anyone, but it happened, and I was the lucky one to have it happen too. So now I'm stuck here constantly wondering what's going on in people's minds and if their thoughts are negative and if those negative thoughts are about me. I am repeatedly wondering if he's going to cheat on me like the last one did, or if a friend of mine will hurt me again, or when anyone is going to hurt me again. I don't want to do it. I quit. Really. This isn't some bullshit suicide note or some sorry cry out for attention but I'm just fucking done with trying to be so human in a world where humanity disappeared a long, long time ago.

2011-01-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am so bleedin' annoyed with Annette right now.
She's pissed off about the whole possibly moving in thing, which I can definitely understand, but it's just like...... I'm going to be 21. I'm not going to be living in this house forever. I've finally found someone that I know in both my heart and my mind and my body and my soul that I can love and trust. I once thought that I would NEVER find this! I was just a stupid, pathetic little rape victim, and I know that I shouldn't even have to bring that up but I really do have too because it's the truth. I never thought I'd be able to move past that and get to this stage of life. But I finally have. And it's beautiful. She wants me to friggin marry him first, but I feel that I should move in with him and see what living with him is like first before I fucking marry that man and then get stuck with that, because there is that possibility that I wont be fond of living with him. If I'm married to him, then what? Divorce? Ah, I'm getting ahead of myself. But still! dlfkjhgldfkjghldfkjg

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My minds going through a million things that I should have said in that fight >:|

2011-01-18T16:10:00.000-08:00

*talks about seeing the movie The Rite*
Me- We should see it!
Brandon- We should, I haven't been to the movies in over a year.
Me- ............... That is a fucking tragedy. No boyfriend of mine says things like this. I must fix this.
Brandon- :) I love youuuu and I can't wait to do tons of awesome stuff with youuuuu. I think about when we went to the city all the time.
Me- haha I love you too :) DON'T FORGET that we must do these two things before you propose to me on the moon: have a road trip and taking me to white castle.
Brandon- How about a road trip to the moon with a white castle stop on the wayy?
Me- You have yourself one splendid deal, lovah!

I love this man hahaha
Apparently our future is me being his hot tattoo-artist wife while he owns his own restaurant, we have a son, two ferrets and a kitten.

I'm excited to see him tomorrow-sunday!
I'm probably ditching work on sataday, :x shhhhh.

2011-01-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

Of couuuuuuuuuurse I get the rag right before I go to my boyfriends house. Awesome.

ANYWHOOOOO.

I've been thinking a lot about moving in (NJ) in August and I think I'm leaning more towards a definite. Who knows, we'll see where my life takes me at that point, and so on.

I told myself I'd be writing in this daily, but truth be told, not much has been going on in my life worth retelling. I've pretty much rekindled friendships with everyone and anyone who I had ever had a problem with merely for the fact that there's really no point in stressing over pointless and caddy controversies. I'll always have my grudges and my judgments over people, but that's just how homosapien roll. I can't stop negative thought processes and I can't stop others from thinking negatively about me, whether it be jealousy or just not being able to understand me, and vise-versa.

I've been having a lot of panic attacks, lately. I'm quite certain it's just that time of the year to have them. This happened to me last year, as well, but at that time I wasn't even on medication, so it was definitely a lot worse.

Lately the panic attacks have been mainly about losing my boyfriend. It's completely and utterly irrational, because I'm not going to at all, but the worry is always there because my mind constantly enjoys reminding me of the slight possibility. My rational thinking just has to kick my irrational thinking's ass and remind it that everything has a slight possibility to turn for the worse, my actions just have to make sure that that doesn't happen.

Other areas of my life are fine. Friendships are steady. Family is doing well, I suppose.

Well, actually, not for my mum's side of it. With everything that's been happening with my grandfather and such I'm not sure hot to be the strong one in the family when I'm the youngest and surely not the wisest.

Work could be better, but I get paid so I cannot complain. I definitely need to get either a full time job or two more part time jobs along with BE, because New Jersey wont be possible with out the finances. Also starting the spring I'll be going back to Penn Foster (they invited me because of my "outstanding grades and potential") for a college degree in business and finances. Those classes shall absolutely kick my ass.

I leave you with a quote by Emily Griffin:

"Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."

DYING BIRDS MYSTERY OF 2011

2011-01-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DYING, YOU BEAUTIFUL BABIES, YOU!?

This bothers me so much! Hundreds of birds have been dropping for no apparent, and it has just been confirmed that these reasons are definitely not why:

the weather
holiday fireworks
poisoning
diseases
air toxins

ughhhhhh sweeties! What's going on here? :(

source: here.

2011-01-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

I have to be strong. I can't allow myself to be weak anymore. I cannot allow myself to be the victim anymore. For far too long I have submitted to this title and for far too long I've been defeated by the demons of my past. I can't let this happen anymore. I tell other women to be strong and independent when all along, behind the scenes, I'm just a fucking baby in swaddling sheets crying for her mama and papa to come and fucking rescue her. I need to be the independent one. I need to stop depending on friends - for they are not always there. I need to stop depending on him - for he is rarely there. I need to stop depending on family - for they have enough problems of their own. I must carry my own burdens and stop crying to other people about them - for how else could they possibly desire my friendship? The person that I've become, right now... no one wants me. I don't even blame them. I barely want myself.

You need to know:

2011-01-10T07:02:00.001-08:00

Everyone deserves love without terms and conditions. Everyone has a right to live their life the way they want. Everyone has the right to be happy without feeling guilty. No one deserves abuse. No one is not good enough for healthy love. No one has the right to hurt anyone. Everyone can be happy. Everyone feels completely alone and lost sometimes. It’s okay to be yourself. It’s okay to do what you want to do. It’s okay to be happy with yourself, with your life. It’s okay to say no. You need to be honest, with everyone and yourself. Live your life. Be honest. Love everyone and every thing you can. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. Do anything you want as long as it’s not hurting someone else. Don’t take shit - You deserve the best - you can have it if you want it bad enough.

2011-01-10T05:27:00.000-08:00

I truly do wish that the spring will bring some consistency within a few of my friendships.

2011-01-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

I feel restless when I am back here. I fucking love being around my family, but when I'm not with him I just feel uneasy. When his arms aren't around me I do not feel safe. When I cannot hear his voice I feel like other voices do not matter. My thoughts may be irrational but thus is love. There is no such thing as rational thought when emotions, so strongly, are involved. Never has someone held on to me as tightly as he does during the night; During the day. Never has any man kissed me like he does and let it be just that: a kiss. Not just some desire to squeeze, or bite, or fuck. When he kisses me, the feeling is real. Realness is exactly what I want in life. It is what I fucking need. I need the reality. I need the passion. For so long I thought that I would never subdue to this but I have gone under and feel nothing but euphoria. This is amazing and yet it is terrifying. But I do love horror.

2011-01-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

Do I fear that I am in love too quickly? Or is it that I don't know love at all that frightens me most. And who's to correct me on this statement? None of us do. To define love is to say, quote: "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection"; At least thats what Google and our dictionaries tell us. I disagree. Love is so much more then this. Love is so much more then feelings and positivity and affection and regards or disregards. Love is so much more then words and picture and communication through actions and voices. I know what is in my heart, that which is controlled fully by my brain, that I love him. He makes me sad. He makes me frightened. He makes me secure and comforted. He makes me worried. He makes me confused. He makes me feel and live any emotion that you could possibly think of. But the point is that even though some of those emotions may not be positive, they're at least there. I feel things I have never even felt before. Just the fact that he makes me feel alive is more then I could ever ask of anyone, because that is exactly what I want most in life- to feel truly and irreparably alive in the best and the worst of ways.

2011-01-03T18:27:00.001-08:00

It does not due to dwell on things made to be forgotten.